It’s important to commemorate the milestones…
I wasn’t sure I’d make it here. I remember my excitement when I turned 100, or rather, my blog turned 100. I don’t know the exact number of words I’ve written for each and every piece, I only know that it averages about 1,000. So right now, I’ve written about 150,000 words, which is a lot, but I hope to keep going. I hope to keep going, but I’m also acutely aware of the fact that for months, my blog just stopped, or rather, I stopped. As quickly as writing had come to me, it seemed to leave me. I wanted to write, and yet I had zero interest in it, or maybe I just couldn’t think of what to write. I was very much a man without ideas, which brought about another identity crisis, something I should be able to handle better, given how many of them I’ve had in 34 short years. It’s a brutal thing to not know who you are.
When you’ve lost your purpose, or one of your purposes, and you don’t know why it’s gone, it’s difficult to process. It’s strange that something like that could leave you. The ideas, the jolts of electricity that delighted me just stopped coming. Maybe it was that my source of inspiration had stopped. After all, all any of us could really do was stay inside. Interactions with people were quick and distant. It was isolating. I wrote posts here and there, but couldn’t seem to build any momentum at all. It was not easy for me to grapple with this loss, which was somehow both small and monumental. Now that writing is back in my life, I feel reinvigorated, and a little nervous. I don’t want it to leave me again. I need an outlet, something to help me process the madness that swirls around my head.
200 is what I’m going for, but I wouldn’t even say that it matters. I honestly hope to write for the rest of my life, as I continue to learn and to grow. 150 isn’t the biggest or most significant number, but it matters to me. I’m back on the horse. I needed this. I didn’t know what to do with myself if writing wasn’t going to be a part of my future. It’s amazing how lost you can feel when your passion leaves you. I thought about alternative pursuits, playing an instrument or picking up drawing once again, but I could never seem to muster up much excitement. Despite my best efforts, daily walks and workouts just couldn’t seem to knock anything loose. They couldn’t get the wheels turning once again.
Oh, what a ride it’s been. Between 100 and 150, I hit both my highest highest high and my lowest low. Posts like Breakdown and The Reality of Mental Health were some of the best writing I’ve ever done. They were raw and vulnerable. I dug deep into some painful memories, and while I’m proud of what I wrote, somewhere along the way, I realized that I was very much not okay, even if I told others that I was. I lost weight. I stopped working out. I stopped caring about my appearance. I spent the afternoons and evenings attempting to sleep, resting when sleep wouldn’t come. I couldn’t figure out how to solve my problem.
I was keeping a secret, something painful and hard to explain, and I thought I was doing a good job of it. What I didn’t realize was that I was sinking, day by day, minute by minute. Everyone around me could see it, and while I acknowledged it just a bit, it took others pointing out the obvious before I actually did anything about it. I finally had to come to grips with just how far I had fallen, and there didn’t seem to be a way up. People’s hands were outstretched, but I couldn’t reach them. I truly had never felt more alone, which is an art form that up until that point, I thought I had perfected.
I do plan to address that time of my life, as much as I can. I’ve battled with it, and I’ve realized that I will likely leave certain details out. It’s no one’s business but my own, but the point of this blog is to address difficult topics and conversations, and above all, I’ve always tried to be honest, open, and candid about my mental health. You never know who might read, take solace in your words. You never know who you might help. It’s easier than ever in a time like this to feel devastatingly alone, and so I hope that you, the reader, continue to realize that you are not alone. You may even happen upon a close friend who feels much the way you do, or who felt that way at one time. Life is not a linear trajectory. There are peaks, and my friend, there are valleys.
I can say without reservation that I’m back, back to the blog. I can also say that I don’t know what the future holds, which seems to be a reoccurring theme. I want to believe that I’ll publish the two books that are sitting in my old computer, also the cloud, but I don’t know that for sure. I know that the road to self publication is long and arduous. I hope that I have more books in me, but we shall see. I’m not even sure what I’d write, but I do love the craft, and so I hope that now that I’m putting in the effort once again, I’ll cruise merrily along.
In the next installment of 50 posts, I plan on addressing things like mental health, dating, and spending time alone. My mental health is pretty good these days, but a lot of things continue to surface, and it seems prudent to continue seeing both my therapist and psychiatrist. Dating, well, it’s one of those strange things where I’m just not getting back what I’m putting in. Maybe I’m just run down from a long five months. Either way, a break seems like it’s been earned. During this break, I’ll spend time with friends and family, but I also know it means that I’ll spend more time alone. I have to be careful not to be alone for too long, but I also know that there’s value in being able to enjoy your own company. Since the breakup, I’ve become quite independent once again. I’ve fallen back in love with the ability to do what I want to do.
There will be other topics covered as well. The adventure continues. I don’t know what else will come up, but I look forward to sharing it with all of you. Thanks for reading.