Comprehension comes later, if it does at all.
I’m the type of person that likes to see an overarching theme or story in everyday life. It’s comforting to think that everything we endure, that it’s all in the service of some larger goal or purpose. We read books and watch movies, and in almost every one of them, there’s a story to tell. It’s comforting to think that our lives are similar, that each moment means something, that it’s a step along the path that’s getting us to where we’re supposed to go. It makes the highs seem higher, and it makes the low points more tolerable, especially if we think that it’s strengthening us and transforming us into the people we’re supposed to be. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to believe that all of the trials and tribulations of our lives aren’t in vain.
There’s no sugarcoating it, this week was a weird one. I can slice the week more or less down the middle, and I can show you the moment where my week or possibly my life changed in an instant. The first two days of the week were something special. They seemed like definitive steps on the road towards growth. I felt like I was finally picking up steam, gaining confidence, and moving forward and closer to the interests I feel so strongly about. All of it was starting to make sense, and it was as if I could see a clear direction to move in, and the chaos of my twenties was beginning to melt away. I’ve been so used to floating, and now I felt like I was actually getting somewhere.
Then I was hit by a car.
I’m okay, and I promise you that, but there’s a part of me that just gutted out the final two and a half days of the week. I could only muster up half of my focus, and when I got to Friday morning, I was pretty much shot. I couldn’t bring myself all the way back, and maybe that’s okay for now. Maybe it’s okay to be scared after an incident like that, to not know how to react. I don’t know what’s okay or allowed; I only know that I don’t like being thrown off of my game. I’ve waited so long to be here, to feel this feeling, and after Tuesday evening, it seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn’t come all the way back to being myself.
I’ve had some time to reflect. It’s not a lot of time, but it’s enough. I know that I’ll remember this week for a long time. It will stick with me, maybe for the rest of my life, and yet I don’t know what it means. Maybe the lessons of this week, maybe the theme of this week will reveal itself to me in due time, but right now with my addled brain, I can’t make sense of any of it. Was this week supposed to help me or hurt me? I took two steps forward, and one giant step backward. I hope that I can shake off this feeling of being stunned and confused, but today was a day that made me feel like I’m not going to get over this nonsense as quickly as I’d like.
Maybe it scares me because I know how long things can linger. The past can hinder your pursuit of the life that you want. Try as you might, some things stay with you, even if you don’t want them to be a part of your life. Some things stunt your growth, and unless you address them, you’re going to get stuck in a rut, unable to move forward. Our lives are all about growth, and if you don’t address your past and try to learn from it, there’s a strong chance you’ll never be the kind of person you want to be. It’s okay to hurt, but it’s hard not to view every setback as a waste of time you don’t have, even if you know that the reasons are totally legitimate.
Maybe these struggles are all part of our stories, but maybe our lives are just a random series of events. It’s only when we look back that we’re able to craft a story that’s something we actually enjoy telling to others. We hone in on key moments where we turned the corner, where we were triumphant, and the rest never make it off of the cutting room floor, even if they were just as critical to our growth, if not more so.
When we’re going through something and were in the middle of it, it’s not as easy to believe that you’ll make it to the other side. I suppose you have to keep your goal in sight, hoping that you attain it, and you tell yourself that you’ll get there, even if you know you might not. I’m sure that some people are better at fighting this doubt than others. Maybe life is all about self-fulfilling prophecies, but I also know that you can’t control everything, and you can’t just will everything you want into being.
We all hope to understand the plan, or the grand scheme of things. If you believe in God, you know that there’s a plan that for your life that won’t be revealed to you, but you have to trust that the right things will happen. Maybe you believe that the universe is guiding you, or that signs will guide your steps. Whatever it is, so much of our struggle as human beings is to make sense of the events that happen in our lives, and sometimes the meaning is harder to find.
Sometimes good and bad things happen in the same week, and rather than calling it a good or a bad week, you call it “strange”, because you don’t know what else to do. It’s difficult to understand our lives, but maybe understanding is never something we were supposed to do. Maybe the best we can do is open our hearts, set goals, and hope that when all is said and done, that we’ll understand why. Thanks for reading.
adam's blog about life 